The Love Secret

Dear Friend,

The month of love, hooray.  All of a sudden I see the end of Winter in sight and I fantasize about the beginnings of early Spring. I imagine myself walking outside without a ten-pound coat on and I flip through Vogue to see which style bikini will suit me next season. For all of five minutes, I am totally blissful.

Love according to Science, isn’t this long lasting continually present emotion that sustains a marriage, instead love is a connection that is characterized by a flood of positive emotions “ micro-moments of positive resonance.” 

In her new book, Love 2.0: psychologist, Barbara Frederikson argues that thinking of love purely as romance or commitment that we share with one special person shows a wild lack of imagination!  Instead she claims we should seek out Love in the little moments of positive connection that we all can experience many times a day.

So often when we say: “ I love you”

What we really mean is. “I want you to nurture me”

“I want you to keep me company” “I want to feel appreciated‘’ and the list goes on..

But, instead using our moment to moment awareness to find opportunities from our daily lives to feel fully loved and alive is brilliant.

It reminds me of a story from last week, when I took the 6 train downtown to Soho. As we all hussled our way onto the train, five musicians entered from the next carriage and in a tone I can only describe as delectable struck up chorus and began to sing a perfect rendition of “ Good Vibrations.” Right there on a cold February morning, long before we were all fully awake, we were experiencing ebullient hits of Californian sunshine!

Just as New Yorker’s typically are, hard on the outside, soft and gooy on the inside, it wasn’t long before people were swaying in their seats, tapping their feet and reaching into their pockets to share the token of gratitude that was in their hearts for this small amount of unexpected joy.

This moment for me perfectly sums up what Frederikson takes about in her book Love 2.0.  Because what is Love really?  Love is simply an exchange of energy.

The Giving and Receiving of Attention with an Open Heart.

And what is Love without understanding the wisdom that Love can bring?

It can involve a spiritual transformation of your mind and soul. As spiritual teacher, Deepak Chopra says: “ When you don’t feel loved or lovable it is because you have lost that connection to your spiritual nature. You have lost your connection to your true self. My hope for you is to fall in love with yourself, your spirit. Self-love is the knowing that you were created to be completely loved and completely lovable just as you are. When you embrace this truth, the world mirrors that knowing.”

Tony Schwartz, Ceo of the Energy Project and author, said on a panel at Wisdom 2.0 yesterday in San Francisco (my current port of call) “What each of us most needs is to be valued and to be of value.”

More joy, more authenticity, more power is what we need in our lives.

When we think of how we design a life, we look at spirituality, wellness, relationships and healthy living but why don’t we turn our attention to how we can develop and design our Love Lifestyle? Helping us draw more moments of magic resonance into our lives, so, that we can lead fuller, richer lives and expand our awareness to achieve our goals.

In its biochemical form, Love is a combination of Oxytocin, Mirror Neurons, and Valence. The intricate connections of all three are awakened when any aspect of our love-desire-intimacy dance is at play. This includes social, altruistic and family love.

But Love in its feeling form is something entirely different.

It’s not a commodity that can be sold or bought. It shines down on us like the sun, irrespective of our wants and desires.

Love is active. We can create it. We can make it grow everyday by focusing on the good. On the people, places and moments that inspire us.

In this sense we can prepare our hearts for receiving the love that we desire, unlocking true love and abundance in our hearts.

This morning, at 9 am GMT time, in the space that has occurred since I began writing this blog post to the time I am now finishing, my very first friend and oldest girlfriend, passed away of a sudden heart attack, she was 34 years old. Her name ( is ) Nicola Flowers, Nic was always the most beautiful and brilliant girl in the room. Her positivity energy and optimism was infectious. No one could believe it when four years ago she was diagnosed with bone marrow cancer, and her extraordinary battle ever since, was testament to the person that she was, beautiful, bold and resilient.

My day is awash today, not knowing where to put my energy, but I knew that I had to finish this, and what got me to focus was remembering all those moments when Nicola’s joie de vivre, even in the face of overwhelming hardship, brought tremendous joy into a room.

Every day we have to keep on saying Yes to life, Yes to being loving to those around us, and Yes to paying attention to their needs, even those that go unexpressed.

The one overarching thing that is coming to me in this moment now, is simple. Don’t ever underestimate the importance of Being Sweet to all those you meet. You never know how your joy will inspire and transform them.

Nicola this is dedicated to you, you’ll always be right here.

I love you,

Shelley